Saturday, March 31, 2012

Several Months and Lessons in Faith Later

It has been a very, very long time since I lasted updated. And much of that was because the one thing on my mind was the one thing I felt I couldn't talk about publicly. The one thing I should keep private.

I went off of birth control at the very end of May 2011. I was certain, I mean so very sure, that Kyle and I were going to be expecting within two months. That was my plan. Now, understand, I "know" that my plan is not The Plan. But regardless of what I know, what I have been taught, I have never been the best student.

So when I started my new school year without a baby on the way, and some smallish issues popping up, I fought bitterness. Hard. And didn't entirely win most days. Unfortunately, Peter was not the last of God's children to struggle with faith.

I gave myself a timeframe more or less. And I prayed. I focused on other things as best as I could. I cried. And then I realized that much of those tears were so selfish. How much of what I have been blessed with did I ignore simply because I wasn't getting my way right at that moment? Too much for me to admit even now.

Christmas came: a great season for putting things in perspective. My birthday soon after followed, full of  sweet family and friends. And I was one day late. Just one day. The doubter in me reared her ugly head, told me not to have hope.

Now the way I silenced that doubter is somewhat comical. I decided to check right then and there with my last pregnancy tester. And by right then and there, I mean 3:00am. (Hey, we've all been kept awake by something that's nagging us.) I waited those two minutes, expecting the "Not Pregnant" indicator I'd seen too often. Then I looked down and saw this:

And yes, I did wake up my husband at 3:00 in the morning to share the good news with him. How could I not?

Now our lives are about to change drastically. Everyone warns me about it. Tells me, "Enjoy it now" when I mention going out with Kyle or spending a leisurely afternoon reading or doing anything for myself really. You know what I think when I hear that? I think, "I prayed for this child, and the LORD granted me what I asked of him." So yes, I am enjoying God's plan, today, tomorrow, and (with prayers and faith) the future.